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An Open Letter from Eugene Mirman to Time Warner Cable

May 19, 2011

Eugene Mirman
Brooklyn, NY 10217

Time Warner Inc.
One Time Warner Center
New York, NY 10019

Dear Time Warner Cable,

On April 23rd I moved and had an appointment with Time Warner Cable to come and install cable, Internet and phone service and no one showed up. When I called, I was told my appointment was entered wrong and moved to May 4th, without anyone calling me. No big deal, why would a company check with someone to see if they are home on a Wednesday afternoon? Of course they are. Everyone is. Name one person who isn’t home on a Wednesday afternoon? You can’t. It’s impossible, because everyone is home. It would be a waste of resources to call and talk to him. Did Stalin ever call people before he arrested them and sent them to die in Siberian work camps? No! Why should Time Warner Cable have a policy that is any different from Stalin’s?

Did you know that on Yelp, Time Warner Cable has one and a half stars? That’s less stars than Jeffrey Dahmer — who killed and ate people, maybe even had sex with their skulls (I don’t really know). Obviously what I’m saying is untrue, because Yelp does not review serial killers, but if they did, his babaganoush would be better than yours, if you both made babaganoush, even if his drugged and murdered people. Sorry that got weird. F**k you. I just made you read that confusing thing.

To give you an idea of how much I dislike your company, I have come up with plagues I hope God smites your board of directors with. I know He’ll only do this if you enslave the Jews, but considering you might have a monopoly in NYC, you sort of already have:

1. Awkward. Every board member’s cell phone ring loudly announces their weight and also the day they’ll die.

2. Bathroom. The constant feeling that you have to go number two, but completely forgetting how.

3. Improv. Your first-born will want to be a short form improviser.

4. Popcorn. Your second born will smell like hot buttered popcorn. It’s not that bad at first, but eventually I bet it will be maddening.

Sincerely,

Eugene Mirman and probably everyone of your customers

P.S. On May 4th I called you and got an automated message saying my appointment was moved to May 10th, but spoke to two representatives who assured me it was still on May 4th. Twenty minutes later, I got a call saying the technician called and couldn’t reach me and my new appointment would be on May 12th. An hour later I got a call apologizing and saying my appointment was moved to May 6th. Why does your company act like a controlling, abusive husband on an episode of Law and Order?

P.P.S. On May 6th a very nice, professional man came, rang my doorbell and installed everything. I would feel remiss to not mention that a handful of other employees were also very helpful. However, overall your company is run like an ill managed Soviet factory. I bet if Ayn Rand was still alive, she’d write a fun to read, but poorly argued book about how appalling and inefficient your company is. Please cut it out. Thank you.

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  1. This is pure genius and very awesome.

    Jacob · May 27, 11:02 AM · #

  2. Did you have to be home to have your furniture moved? If you needed a repair whould you need to be home. Grow up. And we did not hear the companys side of the story. Did you give incorrect info? Many people do that. I find that when people to do get their way they start complaing about everything.

    Karo · Jun 1, 12:44 PM · #

  3. I see TW has succeeded in driving you mad

    Butch · Jun 1, 03:02 PM · #

  4. when i worked for TWC, they used to hang up letters like this in the office so we could laugh at them. Kinda disappointing really. Just shows that most of these companies think these letters are just jokes and never take them seriously, even though they should.

    Richard · Jun 1, 09:20 PM · #

  5. Sadly hilarious. Do they expect people to take repeated days off? It’s bad enough that you have to wait all day. I have arranged a telethon on your behalf.

    rini6 · Jun 1, 09:20 PM · #

  6. Oh, and I hate melted butter (weird I know) That last curse would be horrific!

    rini6 · Jun 1, 09:22 PM · #

  7. Cool Story Bro

    Hill · Jun 1, 09:23 PM · #

  8. The Popcorn plague is arguably one of the most “genius” moments I’ve ever read.

    I wept, openly.

    THERyanLindsay · Jun 1, 09:24 PM · #

  9. I really like at the end where it says, “this is a paid advertisement”.

    Comcast?

    Mike · Jun 1, 09:26 PM · #

  10. Need a template for this so can create versions for you name the cell phone co., utility co., et al.

    Anonyms · Jun 1, 09:30 PM · #

  11. Apart from Killing Jews, I time Time Warner does everything else, did you know they use african slaves for moving the cables.

    Paid Advert by Totse Community

    Dfg · Jun 1, 09:31 PM · #

  12. “Filled with impotent rage”.

    Joe · Jun 1, 09:38 PM · #

  13. Eugene Mirman, I love you. I want you to be the author of every complaint I ever need to send.

    Andrew · Jun 1, 09:55 PM · #

  14. Good job!

    DOUG FERRARI · Jun 1, 10:03 PM · #

  15. I love you Sarah Silverman, especially when you were on Celebrity Poker Showdown

    Dave · Jun 1, 10:22 PM · #

  16. Why are you getting so upset? There’s nothing to watch on t.v. anyway.

    Timmy Suckmeister · Jun 1, 10:27 PM · #

  17. Completely hilarious. Spot on.

    Jason · Jun 1, 10:29 PM · #

  18. Eugene works for comcast

    franklin · Jun 2, 01:07 AM · #

  19. FRONT PAGENEWSENTERTAINMENTCOMMUNITY CALENDARCLASSIFIEDSABOUTSHOPWEDNESDAY, JUNE 01, 2011
    news
    An Open Letter from Eugene Mirman to Time Warner Cable
    May 19, 2011
     
    May 19, 2011

    Eugene Mirman
    Brooklyn, NY 10217

    Time Warner Inc.
    One Time Warner Center
    New York, NY 10019

    Dear Time Warner Cable,

    On April 23rd I moved and had an appointment with Time Warner Cable to come and install cable, Internet and phone service and no one showed up. When I called, I was told my appointment was entered wrong and moved to May 4th, without anyone calling me. No big deal, why would a company check with someone to see if they are home on a Wednesday afternoon? Of course they are. Everyone is. Name one person who isn’t home on a Wednesday afternoon? You can’t. It’s impossible, because everyone is home. It would be a waste of resources to call and talk to him. Did Stalin ever call people before he arrested them and sent them to die in Siberian work camps? No! Why should Time Warner Cable have a policy that is any different from Stalin’s?

    Did you know that on Yelp, Time Warner Cable has one and a half stars? That’s less stars than Jeffrey Dahmer — who killed and ate people, maybe even had sex with their skulls (I don’t really know). Obviously what I’m saying is untrue, because Yelp does not review serial killers, but if they did, his babaganoush would be better than yours, if you both made babaganoush, even if his drugged and murdered people. Sorry that got weird. F**k you. I just made you read that confusing thing.

    To give you an idea of how much I dislike your company, I have come up with plagues I hope God smites your board of directors with. I know He’ll only do this if you enslave the Jews, but considering you might have a monopoly in NYC, you sort of already have:

    1. Awkward. Every board member’s cell phone ring loudly announces their weight and also the day they’ll die.

    2. Bathroom. The constant feeling that you have to go number two, but completely forgetting how.

    3. Improv. Your first-born will want to be a short form improviser.

    4. Popcorn. Your second born will smell like hot buttered popcorn. It’s not that bad at first, but eventually I bet it will be maddening.

    Sincerely,

    Eugene Mirman and probably everyone of your customers

    P.S. On May 4th I called you and got an automated message saying my appointment was moved to May 10th, but spoke to two representatives who assured me it was still on May 4th. Twenty minutes later, I got a call saying the technician called and couldn’t reach me and my new appointment would be on May 12th. An hour later I got a call apologizing and saying my appointment was moved to May 6th. Why does your company act like a controlling, abusive husband on an episode of Law and Order?

    P.P.S. On May 6th a very nice, professional man came, rang my doorbell and installed everything. I would feel remiss to not mention that a handful of other employees were also very helpful. However, overall your company is run like an ill managed Soviet factory. I bet if Ayn Rand was still alive, she’d write a fun to read, but poorly argued book about how appalling and inefficient your company is. Please cut it out. Thank you.

    This is a paid advertisement

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    Comment
    This is pure genius and very awesome.
    — Jacob · May 27, 11:02 AM · #
    — Ty · Jun 2, 12:44 AM · #
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    Ty · Jun 2, 01:25 AM · #

  20. Applause
    Outstanding sir, simply outstanding!

    Alan · Jun 2, 01:36 AM · #

  21. Ayn Rand makes the best babaganoush!

    Steven · Jun 2, 09:02 AM · #

  22. We have companies like that in California too. Well said.

    Sis Hershey · Jun 2, 09:39 AM · #

  23. Waiting for FIOS to come to Middle Village Queens, it is 6 blocks away as I write this. Its like being in a POW Camp and you can hear the US Army boots getting closer.When FIOS gets here Time Warner could offer me free service and I still turn them down. FREE I TELL YOU FREE ! The only reason I didn’t get a Dish while I waited for FIOS is I didn’t want my house looking like a Middle East mud hut. And oh they don’t work well in the rain. Some times I just sit on my porch in the shade, and give the Time Warner trucks and vans the “finger” as they drive by. Nothing personal about the driver inside the truck I just want to think that they might say to each other “ why is everyone giving us the finger ? “

    Tom · Jun 2, 10:09 AM · #

  24. I feel your pain. I myself am going to have to sit at home all afternoon waiting for Comcast to not show up. This country needs a revolution.

    Fred · Jun 2, 11:06 AM · #

  25. Oddly enough, I was just about to quip the exact same commentary. Tres bien, Eugene… Tres bien.

    TW · Jun 2, 11:49 AM · #

  26. my dealings with TWC have turned into a 7 page document, single spaced. you need direct numbers, to non-public departments to get anything done with them. what happened, and what i did to navigate their chaos should really get turned into a short (or maybe not that short) article.

    Nater Kane · Jun 2, 11:50 AM · #

  27. Beautiful! I hope you get something from this.

    Jack · Jun 2, 12:07 PM · #

  28. Hi:

    I had a similar situation when I moved here. I had an appointment with timewarner and took a full day off work. I am a contractor so don’t receive paid vacation days.

    Nonetheless I was waiting for someone to show up and take care of my cable. I was there ALL DAY! When I called at the end of the day after never seeing anyone or receiving a phone call they told me I wasn’t home to receive a person to help me.

    I called and promptly relieved stress with the unhelpful customer service rep. I then scheduled a Verizon FiOS appointment on a Saturday so I wouldn’t lose more billable time. I haven’t looked back and would rather have no cable than timewarner cable.

    -Adam

    Adam Parrish · Jun 2, 12:26 PM · #

  29. The cable and utility companies have had something like this coming; the fact that nobody from the company will read this is unfortunate.

    Changeling · Jun 2, 12:57 PM · #

  30. “This is a paid advertisement” wtf…

    edgar · Jun 2, 01:00 PM · #

  31. Of course, you could have just cancelled your account and gotten the services from elsewhere. Instead, you are giving them more money every month, which is exactly what they want #fail

    ckm · Jun 2, 03:07 PM · #

  32. I cracked up laughing, this is hysterical. Also, TWC is a tough company to work with in getting your communications installed. I dropped them a little over a year ago.

    Eric · Jun 2, 03:18 PM · #

  33. Eugene Mirman, I am in love with you

    Simon Chu · Jun 2, 03:23 PM · #

  34. LOL @ “I just made you read that confusing thing.” I had to read it too, and was thinking WTF?

    Maintenance Man · Jun 2, 04:14 PM · #

  35. Please youall, comiserate with me. I am also a TW captive — in Southern California. Let it be known to anyone coming out here to subscribe (become ensnared by) to any TW services (injuries), you will surely regret it. Their catalog (of unfulfilled promises) of services is no doubt specifically designed to drive you into the nearest Insane Asylum (my apologies to R. Reagan), if we still had any.
    Seriously, please stay away. You will never be the same again. Perhaps TW is on a quest to kill the television industry, and we would be free from all the silly commercials.

    Helmut Mayer · Jun 2, 08:34 PM · #

  36. Oh, he had sex with their skulls all right. SOOOO many times.

    Jake · Jun 2, 10:05 PM · #

  37. It’s good to be a monopoly!

    hjs521 · Jun 2, 10:55 PM · #

  38. Quite funny, then I reached the bottom.

    >>This is a paid advertisement

    Wait, what?

    Tom · Jun 2, 11:28 PM · #

  39. Great letter and, yes, I could also add my on Timeless Warning complaints. Terrible company. Monopoly. We are captives for now. UNTIL we all figure out how to legally download all our TV like can be done in Europe. Oh, happy day!

    Rebecca Sears · Jun 3, 12:26 AM · #

  40. Made me laugh

    Gaurav Sharma · Jun 3, 01:30 AM · #

  41. Why only four plagues?

    Dave · Jun 3, 03:15 AM · #

  42. Sorry but this is stupid and I’ve wasted two minutes of my life that I can never get back.

    Elle · Jun 3, 05:47 AM · #

  43. This guy should write a novel.

    Self Storage · Jun 3, 09:21 AM · #

  44. This made my day. They are truly the devil. I’ll do you one better. In December of 2010 I set up an appointment to have cable installed in my Brooklyn apartment for Jan 22 2011. On Jan 22- a saturday- the (outsourced) technician arrived to install it and after looking around my apartment for less than 1 minute, informed me that he would need a supervisor to install my cable because the building lacked “grounding”. Not knowing what this meant, I shrugged and rescheduled for the next wednesday morning. The next wednesday, I got a call saying the technican would not be arriving due to snow, since he had to climb the roof to install the cable. I rescheduled for the following Saturday. I waited. And Waited. AND WAITED. Nobody ever arrived in my 2pm to 5pm time slot. I tried calling around 445 to inquire where my tech was, and they wouldn’t speak to me as my appt window was not yet closed. When I called back at 5:01, they told me someone came but I didn’t answer my door. LIES. And now it was too late to send someone there. Pissed off, I rescheduled AGAIN for the NEXT saturday- nearly a month after my original appointment. Attempt number 4 comes around the next saturday, the tech arrives, tells me he CANNOT INSTALL THIS SINCE THERE IS NO GROUNDING ON THE BUILDING. Whatever the hell this means, I don’t know. But I was sick to death of hearing this excuse. I told the guy to get the hell out of my apt and called TWC in a rage. At which point they told ME to hire a contractor to install grounding in my 6 unit apartment building. Yeah, ok. I called again and had them check to see if any other tenants used TWC. Guess what? ALL 5 OF THEM USED TWC. I told them basically to F-off, refund me my money. My neighbor and I now share internet through the wall. And I save $40 a month without having to deal with those pigs

    Time Warner Cable: I hope you rot in hell.

    Ashley · Jun 3, 10:10 AM · #

  45. It’s well-written, but I think the sarcasm detracts from the impact of her message.

    joe · Jun 3, 10:18 AM · #

  46. Very humorous and completely deserved. I really dislike Time Warner Cable as a company and have had numerous bad experiences with them.

    I recently tweeted them, asking: “Is the correct hashcode #timewarnercablesucks or #twcsucks. I also @replied them. Believe it or not, they did get back to me on twitter asking me what they could do. I told them that it was already too late. They had failed too many times to get back into my good graces.

    I do feel bad for the few employees of TWC who truly are good natured and somewhat efficient. But despite how good these cogs are, if the rest are rusty, the organization won’t work. This is the case with TWC.

    I’m not a big fan of cable companies in general. They have monopolies in too many areas because of the cables. NY is the worst because a lot of landlords for smaller buildings don’t let fios in.

    I hate not having a choice.

    Thanks for writing this.

    John · Jun 3, 10:47 AM · #

  47. I am in awe of your style Mr. Eugene Mirman. I think you have encapsulated, in brilliant detail, the frustration one feels when at the mercy of those who haven’t the capacity to afford us any.

    Bravo! Very seldom do I get to read the ramblings of someone who’s fingers think the same as mine do while cruising the keyboard! That was fun.

    Thanks to Sarah Silverman for tweeting on you, otherwise I might not have had this moment in time.

    TB~

    T. Briggs · Jun 3, 12:16 PM · #

  48. Lol freakin wow

    Isaac · Jun 3, 12:52 PM · #

  49. Amazing!

    Also, Jacob. You are an ass.

    Man In Black · Jun 3, 02:01 PM · #

  50. By far the best letter I’ve ever read.

    Carolyn · Jun 3, 02:37 PM · #

  51. Finally someone says what we are all thinking!!

    Cassie · Jun 3, 02:54 PM · #

  52. I wish I’d written that.

    Keith Snyder · Jun 3, 04:14 PM · #

  53. I love Eugene’s Open Letters. Thanks for posting this!

    Alexander · Jun 3, 09:42 PM · #

  54. I am really surprised. Do all these companies own and manage each other? Here is Canada my local phone, internet, telephone, and cable companies seem to be run exactly the same way.

    Awesome letter too. This is gold!

    Bill · Jun 4, 09:21 AM · #

  55. Oh, Wow… This Guy is my New Heroe!! Eugene Mirman, you are AWESOME!!

    Claudia · Jun 6, 05:23 PM · #

  56. What’s wrong with being a short form improviser?

    ichsi · Jun 8, 01:28 PM · #

  57. An inspired letter. Trying to communicate with this company is maddening.

    Kathryn · Jun 9, 07:52 AM · #

  58. Judy, I bet you’ll love this! Just f/a laught.
    Phebe

    phebe · Jun 15, 09:50 AM · #

  59. I thought this sort of thing only happened when dealing with BT in Britain. I don’t know whether to be happy or sad that being crap is universal.

    Dwight · Jul 7, 02:32 PM · #

  60. Good to see you got your resolution in the end.

    D · Aug 29, 11:58 AM · #

  61. Eugene Mirman, can you write a letter for me about the importance of fast weight loss…love your passion.

    D · Sep 13, 10:24 PM · #

  62. Now this guy is something else. Great post and thanks for putting it up for all of us here.

    Frankie Cell · Dec 8, 08:45 AM · #

  63. great post!

    lose weight fast · Dec 26, 12:30 PM · #

  64. totally my new hero!

    beth · Dec 26, 12:32 PM · #

  65. I feel your trouble. I also had the similar experience to wait for them to come.

    free movies · Feb 15, 10:54 PM · #

  66. Eugene Mirman always has interesting letters

    Jayden · May 15, 05:37 AM · #

  67. Looks like TWC needs to get their act to gether.

    And I also think you should just switch companies. It’s worth it paying a small premium for better service.

    Kristjan · May 30, 04:59 AM · #

  68. right on mean gene i can dig it ,twc blows ,they should pay us for putting up with their shit.there an’t no forgiving for their action’s…………..

    shaft · Jul 10, 10:18 AM · #

  69. That is crazy. I bet all of those cable companies suck though. although not all of them eat people like Jeffrey Dhalmer did :)

    Bill · Jul 24, 04:02 PM · #

  70. Fucking hipsters. Go back to Wyoming and die.

    PP · Jul 17, 02:43 PM · #

  71. I think it is good written! this is no matter who told you bad or criticized you.You just do your work.All will come back to you.So keep it up…

    big box storage · Apr 19, 06:10 AM · #



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