Comedy before Knowledge!

After making sure everyone sitting at the bar was served, bartender Patrick Mayes turned on silly Mexican music, put a colorful sombrero over his Texas Longhorns baseball cap and took out the “gavel,” a baby deer’s hoof with suede strings attached to it. It was time for his debut as a Mexican Justice to judge the Sunday night debates at Williamsburg’s South 4th Bar and Cafe.

“Does a dog lick its balls because he doesn’t have fingers or because he can?” yelled Mayes at the small but boisterous crowd as he walked back and forth behind the bar, holding a giant cucumber.

“Because he can!” someone yelled out.

Mayes warned the random commenter that he must present a valid argument to back up his statement. The commenter obliged and began to expound his logic.

“If you could lick your own balls, wouldn’t you?” yelled out a young petite blonde.

Mayes instructed her to back up her argument with facts and theories.

Marshal Mintz, the owner of South 4th Bar and Café said that the debates, which take place every first and third Sunday night of the month always involve nonsensical topics.

“We stay away from anything serious,” said Mintz. “In bars people get drunk and can get violent, but here it’s humorous, people fight, but get along.”

Tess Walker, another South 4th bartender said she has been attending the Sunday night debates as a patron for about a year. She said that sometimes the yelling could “get out of hand,” but there was never anything more serious.

Sunday night was the inaugural debate with a Mexican justice. Mayes and Mintz said they still need to iron out the kinks of new debate procedure, since the debates, which are held on every first and third Sunday of the month, were changing nationalities from British to Mexican. Some things, such as the three-topics-per-night tradition would stay the same, and some, such as the judge’s costume and the debating procedure, would change.

About two years ago bartender Matt Eiford came up with the idea of having silly debates on Sunday nights. He has British roots, so, like a member of the Parliament, he used to dress up in a robe and a wig and use an actual gavel. But Eiford recently took off for Europe, so Mayes became the new debate moderator by default. He has Mexican roots, so he is the Mexican justice.

After establishing by a majority vote that a dog licks his balls because he can, two other topics were debated—the best euphemism for breasts, with “Laverne and Shirley” taking the number one vote, and Family Guy winning the competition between South Park and The Simpsons.

Ali Ruszkowski, who lives next door to South 4th Bar and Café said she enjoyed observing and participating in the debates.

“It’s nice to have an open forum to discuss things that are important and ridiculous at the same time. It creates a sense of camaraderie,” said Ruszkowski. She did not care whether the moderator was British or Mexican.

Besides a crowd of regulars, a Manhattanite and two out-of-state visitors participated in the debates. All said they had a great time. Boston bartender Jil Moreau said she wants to take the debates idea to her bar back home, so perhaps, South 4th Café may inspire a little bit of Brooklyn in Beantown.